Secrets

I have so many secrets.  Most of them are not mine.  Any stories that are just mine are free for the taking and telling, like my struggles with depression.  And my auto-immune disease issues.  And my interfaces with God.  Those are stories I can tell freely.  They get told and blogged about (see my healing story or read other blog posts).

Most stories that are a part of me aren't mine to tell.  Even the stories that are mostly about me, if they hold enough of another person in them, I won't share them without permission.

Generally speaking, I have no urge to share stories that belong to other people.  But there are times when it is hard.  One of those times is when I'm asked what I do all day.  It is easiest to say that I'm a stay-at-home mom.  The inevitable response is "oh!  how many kids do you have?"  When I answer, "One.  He's in middle school," I get that look.  That look that conveys disdain.  What could I possibly be DOING all day while my obviously self-sufficient child is in school?

And I can't truthfully answer that question.  I could throw some jargon around about being a consultant for non-profit organizations and individuals, but that's not really it.

• "I listen to and become a part of other people's stories?"  
• "I'm healing from carrying my own physical ailments and the burdens of other people's lives?"
• "I've been discerning God's purpose for my life for almost four years now, since I quit my last 'real job', but...?"
• "I'm just being where God needs me?"

None of those statements captures the essence of what I do all day.  And they all sound a bit too kooky.

So, what do I do all day?  I won't tell.  And if you're one of the people who has confided in me, you're glad.

Doing vs. Being

I see a spiritual director about once a month.  Her role is to help me focus on my spiritual life and how I connect that with the other parts of my life. A question she keeps asking me is "what time have you spent with God recently?"   My spiritual director's point is that, just like with any human relationship, time needs to be spent together to nurture the relationship between God and me. What do I do with close friends? We go out for lunch, drink tea together, go for a walk, or just "hang out."   So, why don't I do that with God?   But I do lots of stuff!  I volunteer at church.  I volunteer at a non-profit agency that takes care of formerly incarcerated people. I take care of my family.  I try to be engaged in social justice. I try to pray and read the Bible and whatnot.   Sometimes, though, I need to just waste time with God. Hang out. Or to use more churchy language, observe the Sabbath. Just have a cup of tea with God. How do you "waste time" with God?