As I mentioned in the post I'm Pretty Amazing, Right?, I have been dealing with trying to not let the ghosts from my past have too much say in my future. While I was struggling with that particular decision, I realized that I still was carrying a massive grudge against a person that was not only upsetting, but holding me back from a potentially joy-filled and life-giving opportunity.
I want to put that grudge down. Along with the other dozen or so ones that are sitting on my shoulders. So, I considered finding a confessor: a person to whom I can confess my sins and receive God's absolution from. But to whom would I confess? I could not think of a single person. I want to be able to name names and say swear words about the people I'm holding grudges against. But even if the person I confess to doesn't know me or anyone that I'm complaining about, I'm still putting that negativity out there. And in as small of a city as Madison is, and as small as the circles I run in are, and the number of events I've attended or organized that involve church people are, there is no way that anyone I chose to confess to doesn't in some way know one of the people I need to forgive.
So, I sat down with a cup of coffee to chill with God this morning, and we talked about it. Well, God mostly listened while I worked through stuff. Why would I need to confess to a human to get absolution from God? Can't I just rant about my grudges directly to God? Say, over a cup of coffee? God can deal with my crap... all of it. No need to worry about putting negativity out there; instead, my negativity can be safely removed, like the toxic waste it is.
As I began listing the people and offenses that I don't want to carry on my back anymore, I wondered aloud: "Do I have to do forgiveness in person, face-to-face? Like Step 8 in the AA program? I sure hope not. I really don't want to talk with that guy." I also wondered, as I contemplated a person from my past that I haven't seen in over a decade, "For the people or offenses that I've already forgiven, do I sometimes take that forgiveness back? It's hard. Sometimes, it seems I've moved on, but then something--a passing comment, being involved with activities around it, etc.--brings all that crap back to the surface."
Obviously, the answer is that forgiveness and letting go of grudges is on-going work. Yuck! I am eager for forgiveness from me and to me that gets the poison out from inside myself instantaneously and never lets it back in.
For those of you left wondering, "Has Darby forgiven those people she is holding grudges against?" The answer is, "I'm working on it."
I want to put that grudge down. Along with the other dozen or so ones that are sitting on my shoulders. So, I considered finding a confessor: a person to whom I can confess my sins and receive God's absolution from. But to whom would I confess? I could not think of a single person. I want to be able to name names and say swear words about the people I'm holding grudges against. But even if the person I confess to doesn't know me or anyone that I'm complaining about, I'm still putting that negativity out there. And in as small of a city as Madison is, and as small as the circles I run in are, and the number of events I've attended or organized that involve church people are, there is no way that anyone I chose to confess to doesn't in some way know one of the people I need to forgive.So, I sat down with a cup of coffee to chill with God this morning, and we talked about it. Well, God mostly listened while I worked through stuff. Why would I need to confess to a human to get absolution from God? Can't I just rant about my grudges directly to God? Say, over a cup of coffee? God can deal with my crap... all of it. No need to worry about putting negativity out there; instead, my negativity can be safely removed, like the toxic waste it is.
As I began listing the people and offenses that I don't want to carry on my back anymore, I wondered aloud: "Do I have to do forgiveness in person, face-to-face? Like Step 8 in the AA program? I sure hope not. I really don't want to talk with that guy." I also wondered, as I contemplated a person from my past that I haven't seen in over a decade, "For the people or offenses that I've already forgiven, do I sometimes take that forgiveness back? It's hard. Sometimes, it seems I've moved on, but then something--a passing comment, being involved with activities around it, etc.--brings all that crap back to the surface."
Obviously, the answer is that forgiveness and letting go of grudges is on-going work. Yuck! I am eager for forgiveness from me and to me that gets the poison out from inside myself instantaneously and never lets it back in.
For those of you left wondering, "Has Darby forgiven those people she is holding grudges against?" The answer is, "I'm working on it."
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