It's one of those days.
It has been "one of those days" for months now. About a year ago, I was a mess. I assumed that my recurrent clinical depression was probably to blame, but it didn't feel the same as past episodes. A series of trips to doctors and tests led to the diagnosis of endometriosis (where the tissue that lines the uterus "escapes" and shows up in other places of the abdomen).
June 2014 I had exploratory surgery, and the surgeon found that I have severe endometriosis: it is not only all throughout my abdominal cavity, it also has connected some organs to others in a dangerous way. The surgeon removed the ovarian cysts and cleaned up some of the endometriosis, but most of the treatment would come medically (through hormone treatment).
The "cure" for endometriosis is menopause. At that point, the endometrial tissue stops cycling and spreading. My friends who are a few decades older than I am had their endometriosis treated by radical hysterectomy (all reproductive parts removed). It sent them into immediate menopause, with the health risks associated with menopause increased due to their young age. These days, doctors try to convince the body that there is no need to have a menstrual cycle, while still having the ovaries produce necessary hormones for overall health.
Due to my fear of triggering depression, my medical team started me on the lowest rung of treatment: a Merena IUD. It sits in the uterus and gives off low levels of hormones that stay localized to the abdomen. For 30% of women, it totally stops their menstruation after six months. For me, it didn't stop menstruation, it made it lighter and longer. The location of the IUD and the irregular shape of my uterus gave me on-going sciatica.
Two weeks ago, my pain was so great (and my fever so debilitating) that I finally went back to my primary nurse-practitioner. She pulled out the IUD and started me on the next step up of hormone therapy: low-level birth control pills.
The sciatica is gone (no more hip and leg pain), but all the other symptoms are back (fever, abdominal pain, cramps, intense bleeding, fatigue). It is hard to get out of bed in the morning. It is hard to think clearly and make good decisions. It is hard to do anything or spend time with anyone. I just want to watch TV and lie around with my therapy cat (who has recently been diagnosed with renal failure).
I haven't been writing blog postings because I don't have much to say that isn't whiny and complaining. I am struggling now with a way to end this post with something positive.
So, I'll just thank all of my family and friends who have been supportive thus far (especially my husband), and leave it at that.
Darby, thank you for sharing. I've been curled around my belly in a fetal position, crying, wondering how I was going to make it through pain I had only imagined could be that bad. Endo sucks. It sucks the joy and peace out of life, it sucks the life out of everything. It narrows the world to waves of pain and slightly-less-pain. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteThere are things I've done that have worked for me. If you want me to share them with you, I'd be happy to. I'm not sayin I've got your silver bullet, just that I've walked a road like yours and found a way to side-step some potholes.
Regardless of whether or not you want advice, you have my prayers and my empathy. So here's my prayer for you: Sister-God, whose pain for this broken world so exceeds our own, bless Darby in her suffering. Hold her in your strong arms, comfort her in her affliction, and by the power of your love heal her in mind, body, and spirit. Mother-God, hold Darby in the midst of her pain. grant her relief, calm, softness, rest. Let her lean into your Body, let her body know your embrace. Spirit-God, be wild! Be creative! Be swift! Be! Be in Darby, indwelling so thoroughly that there's no room for anything not of you. In your will, Amen.