Looking for a confessor

As I mentioned in the post I'm Pretty Amazing, Right?, I have been dealing with trying to not let the ghosts from my past have too much say in my future.  While I was struggling with that particular decision, I realized that I still was carrying a massive grudge against a person that was not only upsetting, but holding me back from a potentially joy-filled and life-giving opportunity.

I want to put that grudge down.  Along with the other dozen or so ones that are sitting on my shoulders.  So, I considered finding a confessor: a person to whom I can confess my sins and receive God's absolution from.  But to whom would I confess?  I could not think of a single person.  I want to be able to name names and say swear words about the people I'm holding grudges against.  But even if the person I confess to doesn't know me or anyone that I'm complaining about, I'm still putting that negativity out there. And in as small of a city as Madison is, and as small as the circles I run in are, and the number of events I've attended or organized that involve church people are, there is no way that anyone I chose to confess to doesn't in some way know one of the people I need to forgive.

So, I sat down with a cup of coffee to chill with God this morning, and we talked about it.  Well, God mostly listened while I worked through stuff.  Why would I need to confess to a human to get absolution from God?  Can't I just rant about my grudges directly to God?  Say, over a cup of coffee?  God can deal with my crap... all of it.  No need to worry about putting negativity out there; instead, my negativity can be safely removed, like the toxic waste it is.

As I began listing the people and offenses that I don't want to carry on my back anymore, I wondered aloud:  "Do I have to do forgiveness in person, face-to-face?  Like Step 8 in the AA program?  I sure hope not.  I really don't want to talk with that guy."  I also wondered, as I contemplated a person from my past that I haven't seen in over a decade, "For the people or offenses that I've already forgiven, do I sometimes take that forgiveness back?  It's hard.  Sometimes, it seems I've moved on, but then something--a passing comment, being involved with activities around it, etc.--brings all that crap back to the surface."

Obviously, the answer is that forgiveness and letting go of grudges is on-going work.  Yuck!  I am eager for forgiveness from me and to me that gets the poison out from inside myself instantaneously and never lets it back in.

For those of you left wondering, "Has Darby forgiven those people she is holding grudges against?"  The answer is, "I'm working on it."

Cup of coffee with God

Susan asked me, "What have you been doing with God so far this Lent?"

I started to list all the events that I've gone to at church. Susan laughed and shook her head. "That wasn't my question. I didn't ask what Church things you are doing. I asked what God things.  What are you doing with God?"

Susan is the friend that I go to for spiritual direction. She doesn't like that term, because our interaction is more of a two-way discussion than anything directed. But we meet monthly for a cup of tea and some discussion, because she asks great questions and tries to help focus me on "being" instead of "doing."

I wasn't planning on a Lenten discipline this year. I wasn't going to give up a specific food. I wasn't going to stop using Facebook. I wasn't going to say morning prayer daily.

Following Susan's advice, I'm not going to "do" something for Lent. I'm going to "be" with God every day, like I'd be with a friend. Every day, I'm just going to sit (maybe with a cup of coffee or maybe not), and hang out with God. Maybe I'll talk. Maybe God will. Or maybe we will just sit in silence and enjoy each other's company.

I'm pretty amazing, right?

I am pretty amazing. I have a lot of disparate skills that make me able to see big pictures and be able to break them down into reasonable steps and goals. I'm great with people of all ages. I have a deep-rooted faith that leads me to social justice and do-goodery.

And most people see that and appreciate it. But a few don't. I know intellectually that not everyone is always going to like me, especially if I am putting myself out there and pushing for change or improvement.

The problem is that a significant percentage of the people who bully me and put me down are in positions of power. They were my boss. They were the leader of the volunteer project.

And now I'm presented with a volunteer opportunity in an organization I don't know very well. I am impressed with the organization from the outside, but I'm scared that the closer I get to the inside the more disappointed I'll be...

Writing this post has helped me think through the fear I have about saying yes, and I will say yes. Because maybe this organization is as solid on the inside as it seems from the outside; but mainly, because I shouldn't let the few bullies in my past dictate my future.

Four letter words

I admit it!  I like listening to pop music.  Sometimes as I'm singing along to a catchy tune, I will realize that the words are inappropriate and I quickly change the channel.  But other times, I hear great theology in a song (which I imagine wasn't what the artists meant, but it still works for me).  One of those songs is Counting Stars by the band One Republic.  Besides reminding me of Romans 7:15*, the song has a great line:

"Hope is a four-letter word..." 

Which I identify with.  Hope is a scary, scary concept.  Think about the statement, "Don't get your hopes up."  Being hopeful can be very hard when there is evidence of evil all around us.  Heck, being hopeful is difficult even when nothing particularly bad happens.

I often equate hope with joy:  neither are synonyms for happiness.  Both hope and joy are much deeper than that.  Hope and joy are rooted in our souls, but can easily be hidden in a heap of fear and anger.

So the scary part is allowing hope to push up through the crap that is fear and allow it to see the light of day... all the while knowing that opening our hearts like that can lead to great joy and love...and great heart-break.

Other scary four-letter words:

* I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

Story and Community

On a snowy January morning, twenty-five people (ages 6-86) gathered in the chapel at St. Dunstan’s Church for a homemade breakfast and a Christian formation program, Growing In Faith Together (GIFT).  I had created GIFT the year before with input from dozens of parishioners, and on this Sunday, each piece of the program was led by different people.  A mother and her teenage son provided breakfast.  A fourth-grader led the prayers and worship songs.  A drama teacher led a response to the Gospel story with physical action as well as discussion.  And an elderly couple offered to clean up.

This program, exemplified in this morning, demonstrates two important parts of ministry: story and community.

As Christians, we automatically engage in storytelling during Sunday morning worship. We read our faith stories from the Christian Bible and the preacher responds to those stories in her sermon.  We also tell our individual stories during the week: to coworkers, family, friends. But we often overlook that both sets of stories are interrelated and need to interact for our faith stories to be whole. Our personal stories are built upon the stories of the community, which starts local (in time and place) and expands to all times and all places.

Each person’s story is unique, while still having similarities with other people’s narratives.  Just like each individual is unique, yet we are all equally beloved children of God.  I visualize this concept by using a Venn

diagram.  Each person is a circle that overlaps with the other circles, and is only engulfed by the enormous circle that represents God and includes all things and all people.

In a similar visual, all people’s faith journeys also overlap.  No person’s “line” is straight.  No person’s line is always headed in the same direction.  No person’s line is exactly like anyone else’s.  But the different lines cross.  They mirror each other in places.  They join each other for stretches.  Each faith journey enriches and affects other people’s faith journey.

Humans are naturally drawn to communities.  My job as a lay pastor is to create a space where genuine communities can grow and flourish.  Where a person can continue her journey for awhile with other people who love and respect her while also introducing her to disparate ideas and giving her a place to grow and change.  Where being unique can occur side-by-side with being a welcome part of the group.  

Testify

This morning, we became congregationalists.  During Sunday worship, we participated in the liturgy that made us official members of First Congregational Church, UCC.

As I was trying to describe what our part of the service would be like to our son, my husband told him that he would have to  spontaneously testify to the whole congregation. Now, that was just my husband trying to be funny and falling flat, but it did spark a discussion about what "testifying" means.

I said that there are two ways the word testify is used. One is in a court of law and means to "tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." The other way is in a religious sense. It is also about truth telling, but the truth isn't recounting facts correctly.  It is about describing your own truth about your experience of God and Mystery.

My family has always belonged to progressive or liberal churches because of our belief that Jesus was all about social justice. But, liberal churches often also lean more toward the head than the heart. They are afraid of testifying, of unruliness, of the unknown of Mystery and the Holy Spirit.

I'm still very uncomfortable with testifying, except to safe audiences. I'm trying to overcome that.  The story of God moving in and throughout my life is much more exciting and interesting than what I did last weekend.

Repent!

A friend's church is hosting a six-week study of the biblical book Acts of the Apostles.  Like with exercise, I know that I will be more faithful to reading the Bible if I'm doing it with a group.  I love this church's pastor and the congregation's acts of social justice, so I asked my friend if I can tag along.

Today was the first day, and our discussion centered mainly on how inclusive the first two chapters of Acts are, with side-notes about how un-inclusive we as humans still are.  But what caught my attention, even though it was a passing comment, was verse 2:38.

Everyone there was reading from the New Standard Revised Version of the Bible, which says,
Peter said to them, “Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit..."

But I am reading from the "Seek, Find: the Bible for All People" which is a Contemporary English Version of the Bible, which says,
Peter said, “Turn back to God! Be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins will be forgiven. Then you will be given the Holy Spirit..."

They pretty much say the same thing, but I was struck by the use of the phrase "turn back to God" instead of "repent".  The pastor mentioned that repent comes from the Greek metanoia and means to "turn around". He then physically showed us that it is...

• To turn from a life facing the wall, to a life facing people.
• To turn from a life of destruction, to a life of creation.
• To turn from a life of isolation, to a life of community.

The pastor continued on with verse 39, which is also pretty cool, but I sat and pondered metanoia some more.  In starting to write this blog post, I did a quick search for the definition, and I didn't find anything that quite fit with what I was looking for.  Most of the dictionaries referred to a spiritual conversion, which doesn't have the right connotation.  

I (we) don't just repent or turn around once in our lives, which is the connotation of the word conversion.  I (we) repent daily, hourly even.  I get turned away from God often, and so I often need to "turn back to God"; I often need to repent.  I probably needed to repent several times just while sitting in the Bible study inside a church.  I don't even want to think about how often I need to repent in other more profane settings.

So, I will try from now on to mentally translate the word "repent" to the phrase "turn back to God".