2015... The year without worry

This is what worry-free living looks like

This morning my husband announced that 2015 was going to be the year without worries. I have already forgotten the context within which the pronouncement was made, but I have been contemplating what a worry-less year might look like. 

Overall, 2014 was a pretty good year.  I definitely have been surprised by how much I enjoy having a middle-schooler.  Most excitement around my child was positive: sports, academics, friends.  As for my husband, no news is good news.  

I try to focus on the positive year that the rest of my family had instead of focusing on me.  My year was boring, painful, or infuriating.  Too much time spent in physical pain due to endometriosis (I seem to be the poster child for auto-immune diseases) or trying to stay one step ahead of recurring depression.

I am a pessimist.  But, just as I believe that “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice” (Martin Luther King, Jr.), I also believe that the arc of my life bends towards better-ness.  Every year of my adult life has been significantly better than the year prior.

I am hopeful that 2015 follows that trend and is better physically, mentally, and spiritually for me. Intentionally avoiding worry will be a good start.  I just wish I knew how to!  When I asked my husband how 2015 was going to be a year without worry, he helpfully answered, "Because we won't worry."

Here's praying for a worry-free year for my family and yours!

Love,

Darby 

Fight or flight

Red-in-the-face

I was recently in what might be called "a teachable moment." Not the kind where I teach my kid, but the kind where there is obviously something I should learn from the situation, even as my frustration is reaching red-faced proportions.

The question I kept asking myself, while I tried to keep my fool mouth shut, was "is this situation trying to teach me to be less sensitive or is it trying to tell me to start running and not look back?"
In other words, "toughen up, buttercup" or "get out while you still can?"

I spent that entire night alternating between sleeplessness and nightmares.  Am I really that thin-skinned?  And is that a bad thing?

I put the situation to the gut test.  As I wrote in "Discerning God's Voice":

I listen to my gut.  Literally.  When something is amiss, I get cramps.  When I am following my "call", my digestive tract feels fine.  Checking in with my physical reaction helps for small daily decisions (Should I return that phone call?  Should I respond to that Facebook post which upset me?), but also for larger decisions.

When I talked to a friend about quitting this program, there were several instructive pieces of feedback.  First, my gut felt better about quitting the program than staying with it.  Second, my guilt about quitting yet another thing was trumped by my gut.  (I was going to link to my blog post about quitting, but it appears that post is still in draft form and I haven't published it yet.)  Third, my friend was there during the situation where I was about to come unhinged and she thought the experience was wonderful and motivating.

All that led to the answer: Get the hell out!

And in case I hadn't received the message, as I was talking to the head of the program about my need to quit, he asked me to reconsider.  He thought that maybe I should just dive deeper in.  I told him I would prayerfully consider it.  And then I spend the next 24 hours in excruciating pain due to stress cramps.

Yep, time to change course.

Secrets

I have so many secrets.  Most of them are not mine.  Any stories that are just mine are free for the taking and telling, like my struggles with depression.  And my auto-immune disease issues.  And my interfaces with God.  Those are stories I can tell freely.  They get told and blogged about (see my healing story or read other blog posts).

Most stories that are a part of me aren't mine to tell.  Even the stories that are mostly about me, if they hold enough of another person in them, I won't share them without permission.

Generally speaking, I have no urge to share stories that belong to other people.  But there are times when it is hard.  One of those times is when I'm asked what I do all day.  It is easiest to say that I'm a stay-at-home mom.  The inevitable response is "oh!  how many kids do you have?"  When I answer, "One.  He's in middle school," I get that look.  That look that conveys disdain.  What could I possibly be DOING all day while my obviously self-sufficient child is in school?

And I can't truthfully answer that question.  I could throw some jargon around about being a consultant for non-profit organizations and individuals, but that's not really it.

• "I listen to and become a part of other people's stories?"  
• "I'm healing from carrying my own physical ailments and the burdens of other people's lives?"
• "I've been discerning God's purpose for my life for almost four years now, since I quit my last 'real job', but...?"
• "I'm just being where God needs me?"

None of those statements captures the essence of what I do all day.  And they all sound a bit too kooky.

So, what do I do all day?  I won't tell.  And if you're one of the people who has confided in me, you're glad.

Doing vs. Being

I see a spiritual director about once a month.  Her role is to help me focus on my spiritual life and how I connect that with the other parts of my life. A question she keeps asking me is "what time have you spent with God recently?"   My spiritual director's point is that, just like with any human relationship, time needs to be spent together to nurture the relationship between God and me. What do I do with close friends? We go out for lunch, drink tea together, go for a walk, or just "hang out."   So, why don't I do that with God?   But I do lots of stuff!  I volunteer at church.  I volunteer at a non-profit agency that takes care of formerly incarcerated people. I take care of my family.  I try to be engaged in social justice. I try to pray and read the Bible and whatnot.   Sometimes, though, I need to just waste time with God. Hang out. Or to use more churchy language, observe the Sabbath. Just have a cup of tea with God. How do you "waste time" with God?

Laundry and Liturgy

"If only I didn't have to cook dinner, take care of the yard, wash clothes, maintain the car, vacuum, (insert other chores here), I could have the time to do what God really wants me to do!" 

 

I assume that I am not the only one to ever utter those words or something similar to them.  I always feel empathy with people who do say them, because I often have those thoughts too.  

But I have also been reading this summer, and there are many spiritual people who point out that doing those chores is actually doing the work of God.  

Kathleen Norris writes in The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy and Women's Work,"The Bible is full of evidence that God's attention is indeed fixed on the little things. But this is not because God is a great cosmic cop, eager to catch us in minor transgressions, but simply because God loves us--loves us so much that the divine presence is revealed even in the meaningless workings of daily life. It is in the ordinary, the here-and-now, that God asks us to recognize that the creation is indeed refreshed like dew-laden grass that is 'renewed in the morning' or to put it in more personal and also theological terms, 'our inner nature is being renewed everyday.' Seen in this light, what strikes many modern readers as the ludicrous details in Leviticus involving God in the minuitae of daily life might be revisioned as the very love of God." 

And while Norris looks at everyday chores as a tool for contemplation, Brother Lawrence sees daily activities as uniting us with God.  In the practice of the presence OF GOD, Joseph de Beaufort writes, "the most effective way Brother Lawrence had for communicating with God was to simply do his ordinary work.  He did this obediently, out of a pure love of God, purifying it as much as was humanly possible.  He believed it was a serious mistake to think of our prayer time as being different from any other.  Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our prayer unites us with Him in our quiet time." 

Norris writes that "The ordinary activities I find most compatible with contemplation are walking, baking bread, and doing laundry."

What ordinary activities are most compatible for your own contemplation and prayer time?

Celebrating, when I really just want to mope

I have probably mentioned before that I throw a party once a year to celebrate the anniversary of being healed by God. I've been touched by many miracles in my life, but the healing of a chronic illness during communion is a big one.  At the time, I felt that God healed me in such a showy way so that I would tell the story and I would celebrate regularly for the rest of my life.

Although God healed me of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I still deal with other illnesses and disorders. Depression comes and goes. It is often worst in November and December.  I was healed in mid-November.  And after ten years of grumbling about having to throw a celebration party when I didn't want to, I finally realized that maybe throwing the party and remembering the miracle in the middle of all my depression and despair was for me to remember the miracle.  To remember God's Love.

Tomorrow, I am going to The Sandbox Evening Worship because I was invited by the priest to share my healing story.  And as I was walking down the sidewalk this evening, despairing because of the pain I have in my abdomen*, God hit me over the head again.  Of course, I'm going to share my healing story tomorrow!  Of course, I'm going to celebrate healing while part of my body is anything but healed.  Why?  Because I need to hear the story again.  I need to remember God's touch and God's grace and receive a bit of God's patience.

God, grant me the patience to be fully present at this time with whatever is going on inside or outside my body, and to rest in You, in whom I live, and breathe, and have my being.  Amen.

*I was diagnosed with endometriosis during surgery a month ago.  According to the surgeon, I'm "riddled with endometriosis" and organs are attached to one another in a dangerous way.  It probably began back in my teens, but hasn't shown symptoms until recently.  I've started hormone therapy, and hope to be feeling better soon.

Anniversary of the "irregular" ordinations of women

"Philadelphia Eleven"

Back in 1988, I went through confirmation class with Mother Elizabeth.  Father Pete helped lead some of the classes too. There was nothing unusual about that in my mind. They had both been priests at my church for as long as I could remember. Therefore, I was shocked to learn that the Episcopal Church didn't allow women priests until the General Convention of 1976.

On July 29, 2014, we will be celebrating the 40th anniversary of the first "irregularly" ordained female Episcopal priests. Irregular, because it was against church law.  

It also took until 2010 (34 years after the national church voted to allow women's ordination) for a woman to be ordained in the Diocese of Quincy (Illinois).  Now at least one woman has been ordained in every diocese.  

Less than two dozen women have been consecrated as bishops in the Episcopal Church.  The Church of England just voted to allow women bishops yesterday.