Secrets

I have so many secrets.  Most of them are not mine.  Any stories that are just mine are free for the taking and telling, like my struggles with depression.  And my auto-immune disease issues.  And my interfaces with God.  Those are stories I can tell freely.  They get told and blogged about (see my healing story or read other blog posts).

Most stories that are a part of me aren't mine to tell.  Even the stories that are mostly about me, if they hold enough of another person in them, I won't share them without permission.

Generally speaking, I have no urge to share stories that belong to other people.  But there are times when it is hard.  One of those times is when I'm asked what I do all day.  It is easiest to say that I'm a stay-at-home mom.  The inevitable response is "oh!  how many kids do you have?"  When I answer, "One.  He's in middle school," I get that look.  That look that conveys disdain.  What could I possibly be DOING all day while my obviously self-sufficient child is in school?

And I can't truthfully answer that question.  I could throw some jargon around about being a consultant for non-profit organizations and individuals, but that's not really it.

• "I listen to and become a part of other people's stories?"  
• "I'm healing from carrying my own physical ailments and the burdens of other people's lives?"
• "I've been discerning God's purpose for my life for almost four years now, since I quit my last 'real job', but...?"
• "I'm just being where God needs me?"

None of those statements captures the essence of what I do all day.  And they all sound a bit too kooky.

So, what do I do all day?  I won't tell.  And if you're one of the people who has confided in me, you're glad.

Doing vs. Being

I see a spiritual director about once a month.  Her role is to help me focus on my spiritual life and how I connect that with the other parts of my life. A question she keeps asking me is "what time have you spent with God recently?"   My spiritual director's point is that, just like with any human relationship, time needs to be spent together to nurture the relationship between God and me. What do I do with close friends? We go out for lunch, drink tea together, go for a walk, or just "hang out."   So, why don't I do that with God?   But I do lots of stuff!  I volunteer at church.  I volunteer at a non-profit agency that takes care of formerly incarcerated people. I take care of my family.  I try to be engaged in social justice. I try to pray and read the Bible and whatnot.   Sometimes, though, I need to just waste time with God. Hang out. Or to use more churchy language, observe the Sabbath. Just have a cup of tea with God. How do you "waste time" with God?

Laundry and Liturgy

"If only I didn't have to cook dinner, take care of the yard, wash clothes, maintain the car, vacuum, (insert other chores here), I could have the time to do what God really wants me to do!" 

 

I assume that I am not the only one to ever utter those words or something similar to them.  I always feel empathy with people who do say them, because I often have those thoughts too.  

But I have also been reading this summer, and there are many spiritual people who point out that doing those chores is actually doing the work of God.  

Kathleen Norris writes in The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy and Women's Work,"The Bible is full of evidence that God's attention is indeed fixed on the little things. But this is not because God is a great cosmic cop, eager to catch us in minor transgressions, but simply because God loves us--loves us so much that the divine presence is revealed even in the meaningless workings of daily life. It is in the ordinary, the here-and-now, that God asks us to recognize that the creation is indeed refreshed like dew-laden grass that is 'renewed in the morning' or to put it in more personal and also theological terms, 'our inner nature is being renewed everyday.' Seen in this light, what strikes many modern readers as the ludicrous details in Leviticus involving God in the minuitae of daily life might be revisioned as the very love of God." 

And while Norris looks at everyday chores as a tool for contemplation, Brother Lawrence sees daily activities as uniting us with God.  In the practice of the presence OF GOD, Joseph de Beaufort writes, "the most effective way Brother Lawrence had for communicating with God was to simply do his ordinary work.  He did this obediently, out of a pure love of God, purifying it as much as was humanly possible.  He believed it was a serious mistake to think of our prayer time as being different from any other.  Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our prayer unites us with Him in our quiet time." 

Norris writes that "The ordinary activities I find most compatible with contemplation are walking, baking bread, and doing laundry."

What ordinary activities are most compatible for your own contemplation and prayer time?

Celebrating, when I really just want to mope

I have probably mentioned before that I throw a party once a year to celebrate the anniversary of being healed by God. I've been touched by many miracles in my life, but the healing of a chronic illness during communion is a big one.  At the time, I felt that God healed me in such a showy way so that I would tell the story and I would celebrate regularly for the rest of my life.

Although God healed me of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I still deal with other illnesses and disorders. Depression comes and goes. It is often worst in November and December.  I was healed in mid-November.  And after ten years of grumbling about having to throw a celebration party when I didn't want to, I finally realized that maybe throwing the party and remembering the miracle in the middle of all my depression and despair was for me to remember the miracle.  To remember God's Love.

Tomorrow, I am going to The Sandbox Evening Worship because I was invited by the priest to share my healing story.  And as I was walking down the sidewalk this evening, despairing because of the pain I have in my abdomen*, God hit me over the head again.  Of course, I'm going to share my healing story tomorrow!  Of course, I'm going to celebrate healing while part of my body is anything but healed.  Why?  Because I need to hear the story again.  I need to remember God's touch and God's grace and receive a bit of God's patience.

God, grant me the patience to be fully present at this time with whatever is going on inside or outside my body, and to rest in You, in whom I live, and breathe, and have my being.  Amen.

*I was diagnosed with endometriosis during surgery a month ago.  According to the surgeon, I'm "riddled with endometriosis" and organs are attached to one another in a dangerous way.  It probably began back in my teens, but hasn't shown symptoms until recently.  I've started hormone therapy, and hope to be feeling better soon.

Anniversary of the "irregular" ordinations of women

"Philadelphia Eleven"

Back in 1988, I went through confirmation class with Mother Elizabeth.  Father Pete helped lead some of the classes too. There was nothing unusual about that in my mind. They had both been priests at my church for as long as I could remember. Therefore, I was shocked to learn that the Episcopal Church didn't allow women priests until the General Convention of 1976.

On July 29, 2014, we will be celebrating the 40th anniversary of the first "irregularly" ordained female Episcopal priests. Irregular, because it was against church law.  

It also took until 2010 (34 years after the national church voted to allow women's ordination) for a woman to be ordained in the Diocese of Quincy (Illinois).  Now at least one woman has been ordained in every diocese.  

Less than two dozen women have been consecrated as bishops in the Episcopal Church.  The Church of England just voted to allow women bishops yesterday.

Struggling to get to church in the summer

After years of figuring out how to get from the east side of Madison to Grace Church during Art Fair on the Square, Taste of Madison, IronMan, Ride the Drive, assorted races, parades, and marches, I thought I had my transportation plan down to a science. I looked online for the event map, the Madison Metro bus detours, and the city parking guides. Then I would choose the best combination of driving, bussing, biking, and walking.

That is until the Sunday that the Madison marathon brought me to tears. I had done my due diligence and decided that bicycling was the way to go. My son was in elementary school at the time and had spent the night at his grandma's house downtown. I was to meet up with them at Michaelangelo's Coffee Shop, and then we would all go to church together.

I followed the path I had set out. I was sure I knew which way the race course went around the square. I knew that there was no way to cross the course the last few blocks, and I was positive I was coming upon it from the north side: allowing access to both Michaelangelo's and Grace.

I do not remember how I ended up where I did. I only remember being blocks away from a crossing point, crowds too thick to ride my bike or even walk it, and this barrier between me and my destination.  

  

 

I can still feel the raw emotion as I stood there and, unsuccessfully, tried not to cry.

There have been other Sundays when I had my family with me while trying to navigate yet another downtown event that was making it hard to get to church. There were days when I really did not want to expend the energy or get up a few minutes earlier.

Why do I battle downtown events week-in and week-out? Because being in church every Sunday is important. Being in church when it is hard to be there is as important, or even more important, than being in church when it is easy to get there.

Communal worship is about building relationships: relationships with God, with yourself, with your family, with God's family.  Relationships strengthen and grow when they are tended to on a regular basis.

Darby

(I wrote this as I was trying to figure out how to maneuver around last weekend's Art Fair on the Square.)

Food as Prayer

I am reading The Quotidian Mysteries: laundry, liturgy, and "women's work" by Kathleen Norris. In it, Norris discusses the sacred task of everyday living within a feminist framework.

Today, I am also contemplating a question asked in the middle school health curriculum: "what are your natural highs?" When I was first presented with this question, I was frustrated. I don't know!  Exercise doesn't do it for me; although I have plenty of friends who get the runner's high. Adrenaline-producing activities don't do it for me; anything remotely exciting makes me fall asleep like a possum.

But Food!  Good food with good friends. Good food with a good book. Making food. Eating food at a restaurant. Eating at a friend's house.

As I sit in a café eating delicious food, drinking cappuccino, and reading Norris' book, I realize that I've answered more than just that one question. Food feeds me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Appreciating the farmers who have grown the tasty ingredients, the cooks who have combined them in delightful ways, and the people who surround me at the table, I sink into the peace and fullness of God and creation.